Shocking evidence revealed on Day 6 of Squirrelgate
There was an uproar in the packed auditorium on the first day of evidence given by Burt Lee Bishop who's comment instigated the internal inquiry, when he produced a document in his defence. Lord Professor Pochard went a bright orange around the head when it was read out to the anxious crowd, whilst Lady H of Gibside was seen to swoon.
Gatesheadbirders has decided to print the relevant part of the document which went to all volunteers including Lord Professor Pochard himself to let the website readers form their own views in if there was any truth in the now infamous comment. The editorial board wants to state that the following abstract in the complete, unaltered text from the Derwent Valley New December 2008 (yes it said new not news)
snip .......
Thornley Wood observation hide and feeding station
This autumn the Thornley Wood observation hide and feeding station received a welcome tidy up from the Volunteers. Thank you to all. For a quite a while now we have all seen grey squirrels at the feeding tables helping themselves to the bird food. Well not now – we think!! Recently, the Rangers came up with an idea to try to exclude them by using up turned hanging baskets to cover large areas of the tables and hence the food. Have a look at the accompanying photograph – you’ll see what we mean. We expect total and complete (100%) success with this ingenious, but simple solution..................!!
snip .............
After the above was read out and with Burt grinning like a well-fed rodent the inquiry was adjourned for the day. Police said later, that several squirrels were arrested for disorderly behaviour.
Day 5 of Squirrelgate
Lord Professor Pochard has appealed for calm and patience during the internal investigation, to what is now widely known as Squirrelgate, promising a fair and unbiased outcome. He has appealed to members of the public not to mention Squirrels whilst sitting in the hide at Thornley to avoid any prejudice and upset. He also said that reports of two pensioners being evicted from the hide for saying ‘That’s a clever Squirrel’ have not been substantiated. He added that the inquiry may last some time and confirmed are now checking complaints from the Weasel fraternity.
Day 4 of Squirrelgate
More Complaints
Gatesheadbirders continues to be in trouble with comments being posted on its website. The Gossip reporter has managed to obtain a copy of a threat of legal action about a comment posted, apologising about the comment that caused the initial Squirrelgate investigation.
"In the meantime several hybrid Mallards from Shibdon Pond will continue to update the website"
I FEEL I MUST COMMENT ON THE ABOVE STATEMENT
As one of the regular contributors from Shibdon, I am deeply offended to be called a Hybrid Mallard and unless the above comment is withdrawn I will have to take legal advice on my position, I have already contacted my local MP and he advises me to take my case to Strasbourg , to the Court of Human Rights to see if I can claim deformation of character and a £1,000,000 compensation claim.
Distancing themselves from the current trouble, Washington Duck Zoo have said they want nothing to do with the Mallards, hybrid or not, at Shibdon and self-aclaimed duck authority Professor Pochard refused to look at them despite his alledged interest in wildfowl. A spokesman for the ducks on the reserve, General Kharki Campbell said his members were all 100% Mallard.
Day 3 of Squirrelgate
As the investigation into Squirrelgate continues, there are increasing demands for the sacking of another member of Gatesheadbirders, the Right Reverend, the Birtley Bishop. Apparently a recording of the Bishop, saying Swalwell Warden and Squirrel in the same comment is widely available on the internet. Lord Pochard, leading the internal inquiry has said that "no stone will be left unturned in outing all in the organisation who are associated with these comments". However as there has not been a Turnstone in the Borough for several years, and one of those was stringy, others are not as optimistic. The Birtley Bishop, no relation of Burt Lee Bishop, is author of Field Separation of Greater and Lesser Scaup (It has more white on it) and is the identification expert for Gatesheadbirders. The father of ten, the Birtley Bishop, has so far not commented on the alledged comment but his views on wardens in general are well known.
Lord Pochard also said during a press conference that he was unaware of the thousands of emails and letters pledging their support of Burt Lee Bishop and only knew of one. This was refuted by an insider in the organisation who is currently suspended. There has been no comment about the comment from the two Swalwell Wardens involved and the Grand Master, when asked about the affair, only opened his eyes and said 'Is that my slippers and cocoa?'.
Meanwhile, the other PM has voiced his views on the affair and has commented that there has been Swalwellwarden-ism throughout the borough for a very long time and this is only the tip of the iceberg. A former Swalwell warden, who did not want to be named said "I am very pleased with what is happening and hope that some day Swalwell Wardens will be able to exist in the communty the same as any other warden without the fear of persecution".
Squirrelgate
In a shock announcement today, the Chairman of the Board of Governers of the Gatesheadbirder's website, Lord Professor Pochard, announced its suspension from the post of Gateshead's foremost website, of Burt Lee Bishop, following a comment now widely known as part of the Squirrelgate affair. It is expected that Mr. Bishop will lose 20p in salary during his suspension. The Gatesheadbirders board has ordered a fundamental review of taste and decency standards across the webpages in an attempt to end the row over Wardens and Squirrels. The announcement came after six-and-a-half hours of crisis talks between the board and several Grey Squirrels, following the latest in a succession of scandals since the website started in 2003, which forced the migration of Doctor Gadwall.
Lord Pochard said there will be a full investigation into the comment relating to Swalwell Wardens and Squirrels on the website earlier this week. He announced that following the two initial complaints a further 42,000 have arrived since the offending comment was removed putting increased pressure onto the board to sack Burt Lee Bishop. An internal inquiry is currently being carried out into the events which led to the comment being posted. "The comment was grossly offensive and an unacceptable intrusion into the private lives of wardens and Squirrels in the Derwent valley. It was a serious breach of website standards, and should never have been posted. Gatesheadbirders would like to apologise unreservedly to all Squirrels, Wardens and anyone else without a sense of humour ".
When asked to comment on the comment, a spokeman for Grey Squirrel MENSA, Carol Sciurus, would only say "Nuts to it"
It is expected that Prime Minister Gordon Brown will condemn the comment in the House of Commons in tomorrow's Prime Minister's Question time.
In the meantime several hybrid Mallards from Shibdon Pond will continue to update the website
Rat record rejected
A work mate of Burt was in his kitchen on Sunday when his girlfriend announced there was a noise coming from the cooker hood and she thought it was an animal. Quickly announcing it was just the wind rattling the fan, he changed his mind when he heard something scurrying about. A brief glimpse made him change his observation to that of a mouse and then, I quote "I saw a huge paw in the cowling and knew it was a rat". After much panic and screaming - still not sure by him or her - they decided they would not be able to get it out without a shotgun and calleda 'Rat-man'. Even on a Sunday the response was excellent and without an hour the ratcatcher was showing them the neighbours Hamster that had escaped two days ago.
Like the Bishop's Barnacle Goose and White Stork an obvious escape .
Pet Warning for the Rowlands Gill Area
This is a warning if you are a pet owner in the Rowlands Gill area - please read this tale before walking Rover tonight ... and have a good laugh.
We know the Northern Kites Project has spent a lot of time and effort trying to educate the local populace about the relative gentleness of the kites with them being very conspicuous large birds of prey and released so close to populated areas, but if people don’t want to listen there’s not much you can do.
A prime example was the other day when one observer was talking with a local shop owner in Rowlands Gill about the kites and a woman in the shop piped up saying she was frightened to take her dog for a walk on one of the nearby greens because there were always kites circling overhead. He explained that the kites would only be looking for carrion or really
small animals and that there was nothing to worry about, then enquired as to what breed her dog was.
She said “German Shepherd”
The mind boggles.
CSI Rowlands Gill : The case of the missing sunflower hearts
The Crime :
Something has been entering my greenhouse at night, forcing entry into
sealed bags containing sunflower hearts (for the birds) admittedly
rather carelessly left on the ground, and making off with some of the
content, leaving the scene before first patrol of the day.
The suspects :
‘Rattus Norvegicus’ said I, Brown Rat, well known for entering storage
places and stealing anything it can eat.‘Pica pica, the Magpie’ said my better half. Only days previously a
shady looking juvenile had been at the crime scene, trapped inside by
it’s own curiosity, and she had to let it out before the sleeping guard
cat got wind of it. An early riser could easily peck through the bags
and make off before we were up and about she argued rather
convincingly.
Crime scene - Day 1: Monday 6th October
I first noticed the seeds I’d spilt on the floor of the greenhouse the
previous day had mysteriously disappeared, closer inspection of seed
bags revealed one knocked over and a 2 inch gash in one corner but no
spillage, the perpetrator obviously knew how to clean up the evidence.
Suspicious, I left a small neat pile of hearts on the concrete floor of
the greenhouse and left it overnight in an attempt to confirm a crime
was indeed taking place.
Crime scene - Day 2 : Tuesday 7th October
My bait had gone and further holes appeared in seed bags, this was
getting nasty. A crime was indeed taking place on the premises, and not
only that, the criminal was a serial (or in this case cereal) offender.
A sand trap was prepared, dampened sand spread in a rough circle over
the concrete floor, a small but neat pile of sunflower hearts in the
middle. Unless the culprit was a very large vegetarian spider dangling
down from the ceiling, we would identify him tonight, the trap was set.
Crime scene - Day 3 : Wednesday 8th October
Early morning I eagerly entered the greenhouse, only a few seeds
remained from my baited trap, and neatly imprinted paw prints could be
seen all over the damp sand. Ha ha I laughed smugly, a little further
investigation and we would have our man.
Investigation
Prints ruled out pica pica straight away, the perp was obviously a
mammal. Size of prints ruled out smaller rodents, mice, voles, shrews,
but large enough for rattus, yes, we had him by the long and not very
curly. But wait, something didn’t add up, rattus has only four fingers
on his forepaws, this boy has FIVE. The mystery deepened once more.
Endgame
I rushed towards the house to consult the animal tracks pages of my
Collins Incomplete guide to British Wildlife, but on the way almost
tripped over a long black sausage-like turd which on closer inspection
contained tell-tale pale spots of undigested sunflower hearts making it
look rather like a miniature black pudding. Suddenly everything clicked
into place, the real culprit was none other than Spiky the hedgehog,
would you believe it, he hadn’t been seen on my patch since early July
and I never had him down as a seed eater. Surveying the lawn I
discovered more and more of these mini black puddings, and the prints
on file matched those in the sand.
“Well, he’s only feeding himself up for hibernation” I thought. And
decided not to press charges.
In fact I’ll put some cat food out for him tonight.
CASE CLOSED
Next week : A kestrel hijacks a lorry load of chocolate sweets, the
ones with the less fattening centres, in the case of the Maltesers
Falcon.
Thornley Woods pond today, I arrived just after an ignoramous had let
their dog rampage through the margins at one side (told by the stirred
up mud, flattened reeds, muddy pawprints and large damp patch where the
accused shook itself off pondside.)
I'd gone to look for signs of Southern Hawker emergence and was
delighted to spot a new specimen clinging to a reed, pale abdomen fully
stretched out but wings not yet fully extended, however I scanned for
more and was horrified to see three further specimens half drowned
where the aformentioned mutt had been allowed to flatten the vegetation
in the pond margins. One I managed to reach and guide to a fresh stalk,
the second I also reached but it was in a right state with soft wings
wrapped around its head, I left it dangling from my stick which it
attached itself to but couldnt drag it through the reeds without losing
it again, I can only hope it doesn't come to the same sad end as the
third which was too far out for me to reach so I assume it eventually
drowned.
So what should have been an exciting first-time experience for me
seeing dragonfly emerging as adults fell rather flat with my limited
time there ending as a rescue mission, and as it happens, my last visit
to what is a great little pond was also ruined by the water having been
stirred up by a dog, and that was right in the middle of the newt
breeding season. There aren't any signs up at this pond asking to
respect wildlife ( not that it would make any difference) but suffice
to say something needs to be done to protect the delicate wildlife
here.
Yours
R.L.Y. Cheesedoff
Black stork over Stargate
On 31st July a Stork was noticed by as certain local as he travelled at the speed of light past Stargate. He realised that it could be a Black Stork many miles later but by then it was obviously well away. Later it came to light that a Black Stork was seen over Cramlington in Northumberland.
Here is is report - I was driving to an appointment (running late) and a stork flew in front of
me around Stargate on the Ryton bypass. It was about quarter mile away and
seen for only about 5 secs. I first thought it a white stork being aware
there always a few escapes around and a black stork seemed so unlikely. I
pulled in and texted one of the wardens to that effect.
As I drove on I realised the wings were all black and it dawned on me it
might well have been a Black Stork. I stopped again to phone him at the
point he was phoning me to tell me about the Black Stork seen over
Cramlington about an hour earlier.
Further reflecting on it I'm pretty sure it was indeed a Black Stork The
short glimpse I got was of a large bird with typical stork flight of
extended neck and legs extending beyond tail, with white underparts and
black wings.
This is NOT the annual Shibdon Picnic that we were forgotten to be invited to but the ringing demonstation with a PM look-alike counting phylloscopus emarginations. Note the wardens either looking on in dismay at the total lack of finesse or sitting down signing autographs for anyone who happened to pass. The lack of flora is due to it having been recently picked and eaten by one of the volunteers. Note a suspected fledgling warden behind the Alpha male